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This is tough topic for me to talk about but I feel it's necessary to demonstrate just how low I was and the bondage God set me free from. Even though I do not demonstrate God-Led confidence in every situation, I have overcome much and am leaps and bounds from where I was.
I still battle inferior thoughts from Satan but now I am well equipped to fight and always come out victorious.
I titled this section Grocery Day because for me grocery day was a really big deal. At that time, going to the grocery store was the highlight of my week. I know that sounds really bizarre but It was the only place I would go aside from my job. THE ONLY PUBLIC PLACE I would set foot in if I could manage it.
So, This is a brief summary of how my life came to be that way...
His lies started at work. My job was taxing on the brain, stressful and required long days; Satan began to insert thoughts of hopelessness convincing me that I was stuck. Instead of turning to the Lord, I turned to alcohol and food.
The result was an extra 130 pounds on my frame and a phobia of being seen in public. I worked more hours to create an excuse if anyone should invite me anywhere other than the grocery store. You can imagine the toll this took on my marriage, relationships with friends and family and my own self worth. I self soothed with more alcohol and more food.
Meijer was my refuge; I snatched up a cart in the parking lot that served as a shield of comfort in my mind, walked through the automatic doors anticipating the smell. Meijer is a local grocery store chain in Kentucky that to me has a particularly wonderful smell about it. The aroma encompasses freshly baked cake, cleaning supplies and dry goods. It's fantastic.
Ok, so let me get back on track because I am sure you have never heard a grocery store described so romantically before and I don't want to lose you!
I was much less anxious at the grocery store than any other public place and less fearful of bumping into someone I knew. I never put much thought into why I was less triggered there but in an effort to understand it myself, I have recently pondered it.
Everyone there seems to be on mission and focused. No-one pays much attention to the other shoppers around them and there is not much eye contact being made. I was able to get out of the house but still be invisible! That was it!
That is not living victorious and free as our God has designed for us. That is barely living at all. God has a purpose for us all and hiding in the house, making excuses to work, and a weekly outing at the grocery store was not His plan for me.
Today, I still love the smell of Meijer but it's no longer the main event of the week. I still have some extra weight to release however, my identity is not tied to the mass of my body.
The Lord has freed me from this irrational fear of judgement from people in my past; people who hold no significance in my life nor care about my new dress size.
The journey to this realization has not been smooth and has taken years to arrive at truth. During this time the Lord showed me His overwhelming love for me and what indeed matters to Him.
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